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The Powerful Secret to A Loving Relationship



The Powerful Secret to A Loving Relationship



There are many factors that go into creating a loving

relationship. Certainly it helps if two people have some

things in common regarding how they like to spend their

time. It also helps if they have common values around

religion or spirituality, around politics, the environment,

abortion, and personal growth. It helps if they both eat

junk food or both eat organic food. It makes things easier

if both are neat or both are messy, if both are on time

people or both are late people. Physical attraction is also

quite important. It’s great if they have common values

around money and spending.



Yet a couple can have all of these and still not have a

loving relationship if one element is missing. Without this

essential ingredient, all the other wonderful attributes

will not be enough to make the relationship work.



This essential ingredient is about intention.



At any given moment, each of us is devoted to only one of

two different intentions: to control or to learn. When our

intention is to control, our deepest motivation is to have

control over getting love, avoiding pain, and feeling safe.

When our intention is to learn, our deepest motivation is to

learn about being loving to ourselves and others.



The motivation to get love rather than be loving can create

havoc within a relationship.



Let’s look at a typical relationship issue and see what

happens regarding the two different intentions. Jason and

Samantha are feeling emotionally distant from each other,

and they haven’t made love in a month. The problem started

when Samantha stated that she wanted to take an expensive

vacation and Jason objected. Samantha got angry, Jason gave

in, and they have been distant ever since.



Samantha’s intention was to have control over getting what

see wanted. She equates an expensive vacation with love â€"

if Jason does this for her, then he proves his love for her.

She used her anger as a way to have control over getting

what she wants. She wants control over feeling special to

Jason.



Jason’s intention is to avoid pain. He gave himself up to

have control over Samantha not being angry with him. He

hopes that by giving Samantha what she wants, she will see

him as a good and loving husband.



However, because both Jason and Samantha were trying to

control each other rather than be loving to themselves and

each other, their interaction created emotional distance.



What would this have looked like if their intention had been

to learn?



If Samantha’s intent had been to learn, she would not have

become angry. Instead, she would have wanted to understand

Jason’s objections. If Jason’s intention had been to

learn, he would not have given himself up. Instead he would

have wanted to understand why this particular vacation was

so important to Samantha. Both Samantha and Jason would have

been caring about themselves and each other, rather than

wanting to get love or avoid pain. In their mutual

exploration about why they each felt the way they did, they

would have learned what they needed to learn - about

themselves and each other - to reach a win-win resolution.

Instead of Samantha ostensibly winning and Jason losing,

they would have come up with something both of them could

live with. With some exploration of his financial fears,

Jason might have decided that the vacation Samantha wanted

would be fine. With understand of Jason’s financial

concerns, Samantha might have decided on a less expensive

vacation. In either case, both of them would have felt fine

about the outcome.



No matter how much Jason and Samantha have in common or are

attracted to each other, their love will diminish when their

intent is to control rather than learn. It’s amazing how

quickly love vanishes when one or both partners have the

intent to control. It’s equally amazing how fast it comes

back when both partners have the intent to learn.




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