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مدیر وبلاگ : علیرضا اسحاقی
Ask any couple that has gone though a relationship tarnished with infidelity, it either made them stronger as a couple or it broke them. The possibility of surviving infidelity really depends on the length of the affair and how much effort you put into the solution. If your spouse had an affair for years filled with emotion and passion, or had many different affairs, it will be much harder to forgive this heartless and selfish act.
On the other hand, if it was a one night stand or a drunken sex act, where your spouse felt guilty and couldn’t believe that they could have committed adultery, if they feel remorse and are genuinely sorry for what they had done, it would probably be easier to accept it as a slip-up, rather than to categorize it as an affair.
One thing is for sure, your relationship will be on the rocks for quite a long time, the trust has been broken in the relationship, and to compound the loss of trust, many people who have been hurt by infidelity visualize their spouse in the act, and it only harbors anger and depression. If you can learn how to block the images from your mind’s eye, and focus on what you want your future to look like, it will help with the healing process, I didn’t say forget about what happened, just try to block the vivid images of your spouse having an affair.
If you have kids, it’s even harder. As adults we are suppose to be their role models, but we are all human, and because we’re not perfect, we make bad decisions sometimes. Telling kids that mommy and daddy are getting a divorce is the most heart wrenching feelings you will ever experience. Work on your infidelity troubles and don’t discuss it with the kids if at all possible. Never make your spouse look like the bad guy to your kids. There is no need to have them suffering too, it’s hard enough on adults.
Friends and family aren’t always the best people for advise, It’s better to find someone who will not take sides or hold grudges against your spouse. It’s hard enough to survive infidelity, no need to bring other people’s opinions into the matter that might sabotage the healing process. Internet books and courses are a great place to start the road to recovery, it’s private, easy to access and most of the information’s has helped thousands of peoples already.
If your having an affair right now and you don’t know how you got yourself in to this tangled web, don’t worry, at least you realize your fault and you can change your outcome. Surviving infidelity starts with you, if you’re not willing to change, you won’t. You have to understand that even if you don’t get caught cheating by your spouse, you know what you did, and you have to live with that. There is always little reminders that will show up in your day to day activities that will take you back to that time you committed adultery. You can avoid getting caught by your spouse, but you have to live with the truth.
Committing adultery could actually make you a better partner, sounds crazy right? We can all learn from our mistakes, and we should, infidelity is no exception. We can avoid situations that make us vulnerable to infidelity, and the pain we feel from our unacceptable behavior can help guide us to a better relationship. If you have no remorse for what you have done, then you should not be in a committed relationship, you should be dating. Infidelity is damaging to ones personality and to the people around them. You never know how many people in your life that will be affected by your actions, until it happens.
If your marriage ends, chances are, if you start a relationship with the one you committed adultery with, it probably won’t last, those relationships rarely do, so now your left holding the baggage. When you start to date new people, you have to tell them about yourself, and why your last relationship failed. Good luck finding someone to trust you. You see how it starts the domino effect? Infidelity will follow you forever, you need to reach out for help now and get expert advice before you go too far and live with regret for the rest of your life.
Most couples won’t take the time or invest anything into their marriage to make it better. We don’t always think clearly and we certainly don’t have all the answers. We are willing to change our state of mind with alcohol, drugs and cigarettes but were not willing to buy education or answers for our relationships problems. The couples who do invest in their damaged relationship and give it time and effort, will be the ones who succeed.
How To Survive Infidelity – Top Tips
Being unfaithful is like a cancer, it slowly but surely spreads throughout the body of the relationship and eats away at the very essence. This goes on from the moment that that first, lingering glance is exchanged between the two, all the way up until it is finally exposed. It doesn’t stop there either, unless you know how to survive infidelity. If, as the aggrieved person, you’re able to get past this point, then you can survive the cancer of infidelity. Here are some important points that you need to remember:
1. Trust! Trust is something that you earn and is built up over time. If you have damaged that level of trust, a good effort is required to repair it. Listen to all the reasons, hear all the excuses and accept some of the blame when needed. Understand in the final analysis though that it is now up to you and you alone to trust your partner. Can you get past this hurdle in your efforts to survive infidelity?
2. Both of you have to come to terms with this. This means that you have to have a full understanding of why it happened and who was at fault. Don’t think this has to be a one-sided, forgiving exercise either, as it may well be true that the problems began with miscommunication, misunderstanding or other reasons on your part.
3. Commitment must be made that this won’t happen in the future. We know that nobody can guarantee anything in life, but the cheating partner has to be able to look you in the eye and commit to your future together. Anything less than this and it truly may not be worth the effort to try to resolve.
4. You have to get rid of an atmosphere of recrimination. Yes, you are the one who has to forgive the cheating partner if a worthy, healthy relationship is to survive infidelity. If you have those nagging feelings within and simply do not look at your partner the same way anymore, is this the way to live a life together?
5. Be absolutely sure, deep in your heart that this is what you want. Relationships are all about being together, companionship and familiarity. Just because you’re afraid of being alone, this is not a reason to forgive and forget if in your heart, you know that you cannot accept it.
The only way that you will be able to survive infidelity as a couple is if you are both, six months from now, truly happy in your heart. Anything less than this is just an arranged situation that doesn’t reflect your previous position. Do you want to be just glorified “friends” or something more? There is no point in being together just for the sake of it, but there again you might have a lot invested in the relationship; for example children may be present in the marriage. Look at it realistically at all times, but remember that it is possible to beat the cancer of infidelity.
How To Survive Infidelity – Learning To Forgive
Learning how to survive infidelity is difficult. If you discovered that your spouse has cheated on you, it can be one of the most devastating experiences of your life. I know from experience.
My wife of 35 years had an affair for 12 years that I discovered about 2 years ago. I would not wish that kind of traumatic, painful experience on anyone. If you have gone through it or are going through it, than you know exactly what I mean.
Our recovery has been a story that is too long to share here. But one of the things I want to share with you that helped me to overcome was my ability and willingness to forgive her. In order for that to happen, first of all I had to know that she was sorry for what she had done.
Many of the stories that I have read on forums and other places have revealed that in many cases, it is very difficult for couples affected by adultery to reconcile without blaming and giving in to overwhelming feelings of bitterness, hurt and resentment.
If you are going to recover from the pain of adultery in your marriage, 2 things have to happen. First of all, if you are the one that committed the adultery, and you want to restore your marriage, you will have to convince your spouse that you will stop the affair…immediately. This is non-negotiable. The second thing that you must do is convince your spouse that you are truly sorry for what you did.
For me, my wife made it easier (not easy) to forgive her because she did both of these things. She didn’t blame me. She didn’t become defensive. She didn’t clam up and hold back the truth. She expressed true remorse and a true desire to stay with me. She broke off all communication with the other guy and gave me full access to her phone, email and her whereabouts at all times. What made this believable for me was that it was her idea to create this atmosphere of accountability in our relationship. It was not something that I demanded, although I now know that it had to be that way for me to ever trust her again.
She also displayed true sorrow for what she had done. She willingly answered all of my questions…and I had a lot of them. I didn’t ask her questions about graphic details for both of our sakes. But I did ask her some very hard questions about places, times, where was I when it happened and so on. By her cooperating with me in our efforts to get the truth out and restore trust again, I was able to forgive her.
It really is a weird thing to think that I can forgive her completely and at the same time feel pain and anguish when I think about what happened. But I believe that because she is so willing to do whatever it takes to earn my trust I have been able to separate the emotion of what happened from the love that I still have for her.
Obviously there is much more to our story and yours. There are a lot of things that must be worked out. But if you are serious about learning how to survive infidelity, it has to start with forgiveness and accountability. For us that is the foundation that we have built our “new” relationship on…and so far it is working very well.
How To Survive Infidelity And Face Your Trust Issues
“When I found out about my husband’s affair I first thought, I hate him! How could he do this to me and why would he do this to our family? He hurt me and the betrayal was intense, but now that I’ve given myself some time to heal, other thoughts have come to mind. How to survive infidelity was the key. I kept thinking he’s a wonderful father to our 3 children, he provides us with an abundant lifestyle, and he makes me laugh. I really wanted to focus on all his positive qualities but I always came back to the same question. Will he cheat again?”
“What I’ve come to realize is how to survive infidelity takes daily work. I’ve had to battle my thoughts and suspicions. If he went out of town for work, I wondered if he was having a one-night stand. If I couldn’t reach him on his cell phone, I wondered, was he with his mistress? I was having an extremely hard time living with the mistrust.”
Plenty of women have had the above conversation, yet choose to rebuild the relationship. It takes strength of character and discipline to survive infidelity and face all the trust issue which arise.
Be compassionate to yourself when trust issues surface. Is he really where he says he is? Will he ever see her again? What if he runs into her at the ball game? What if he meets some other woman he finds attractive? These are normal thoughts once you have been deceived and betrayed. When these thoughts arise, gently tell yourself it’s ok, but these are only thoughts, not fact. Then start focusing on all your fabulous qualities and distract yourself quickly.
If you would like to know where your spouse is at all times, that’s fine. Your husband needs to understand that he betrayed you and you are hurting. If your husband really wants to repair your marriage, he will understand and be willing to share all the details of his time away from you. Don’t be shy about asking for additional reassurance. An extra phone call from him while he is out or having the okay to drop into the office if he’s working late can really help.
Millions of couples are dealing with infidelity and trust issues but what is not as commonly revealed is what betrayed spouses are doing to get past their personal trauma and rebuild their marriage. Couples who put in work to survive the affair often times find their relationship stronger and healthier than before the affair.
How to Survive Infidelity: After the Affair
Knowing how to survive infidelity after the affair is key to the survival of your marriage. Once the affair is over you have a decision to make: should you stay or should you go? No doubt you will seek advice, but you have to be careful about who is giving it and also of their motives. You will likely find that advice on such matters is often tinged with personal experience and also their opinion of your spouse.
In fact, such decisions are best made by the wives of the cheating husbands, or the spouse of the cheating wife. Only they know the person and the circumstances, even though their own decision will be affected by their personal experience and by their partner’s adultery. If you ask advice you are going to disappoint, and perhaps even alienate, somebody because not everybody will offer the same advice on dealing with a cheating partner.
So how do you decide what to do after the affair? The term ‘after the affair’ means that your cheating spouse has terminated the relationship with the other person, and genuinely wants to make your relationship work and the marriage survive. To survive infidelity, it is necessary for the cheating man or woman to regain your trust. Before that process can begin, the following question has to be considered: does your spouse want the marriage to continue?
If not, then there nothing more to do, but if he does want to help it to continue then ask yourself these questions:
1. Is the affair really over, or is just another of those lies with which you are so familiar?
If you can respond positively to each of these questions, then consider this: if you could fall in love all over again would he or she be the one you want it to be with? If you cannot answer yes to that question then repairing your marriage is going to be even harder. Remaining with somebody for sentimental reasons or ‘just for the children’ will not work, and you should discuss the next steps for both of you.
Otherwise, it is possible to repair a marriage, and even to make it better than it ever was. However, it is absolutely critical that your spouse has to be committed to repairing the damage that he or she has caused by the affair, even if that means you intruding and finding out where he or she is when not at home.
It is also important that you both have your respective families behind you, and that is one major reason why only you two should make the decision and not ask for advice from your friends or even from your family. These reasons were mentioned briefly above, and to iterate these, their advice will be based, not upon the problems you’re both facing, but upon their personal opinions of character and what is best for you based upon their own personal experiences.
What is best for them might not be best for you, so make your own decision. It should be said that many who decide to give it another go often succeed when their spouse is equally committed to the marriage. If one of you is not so committed, and just agreeing because they don’t want to hurt the other, then it can never be successful.
To survive infidelity after the affair, it is essential that every one of the seven questions above can be answered in the affirmative, and that both of you genuinely want it to work. It’s not easy if you find your husband cheating on you, and, contrary to what a lot of men think, it is just as difficult for a woman with a cheating husband as it is for a man finding his wife cheating on him.
Many cheating husbands believe that sowing their wild oats is natural, but that their wives should remain pure and faithful. Your husband must change that attitude if your marriage is to work after the affair. Some say a cheating man will always be a cheating man, but that is not the case – another reason not to take advice but to make your own decision. Men can change, contrary to popular opinion, because your cheating husband must have changed in order to cheat on you.
The same is true of women: your cheating wife can change back to the woman she once was in your life, but only if that’s what you both want. If so, then there is little stopping you if you know how to survive infidelity and adultery and repair your relationship and your marriage after the affair.How To Save Your Marriage After An Affair | How To Survive An Affair
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نوع مطلب : English Article، LOVE،
برچسب ها : How to Survive Infidelity،
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